Friday, January 30, 2004

Since I'm bored, I'd like to present 10 reasons why I wish my life was more like pro wrestling.

1. All arguments settled in the ring: Well, I might as well get the most compelling reason out there first. Who wouldn't like to resolve conflicts with an elbow drop into your adversary's chest a la The Macho Man? Or slap a Figure Four on him until he saw things your way?

2. Similar to the first, you can wail--ABSOLUTELY WAIL--on people with folding chairs, sledgehammers, and other objects, and not get thrown in jail for aggravated assault or attempted murder. Let me tell you, my reaction to dumb people lately is "damn, I'd like to hit you with a brick." Well, if not a brick, I could at least pick up a chair and just club them in the head with it.

3. I'd like to taunt people/be taunted with a "you fucked up" chant anytime somebody, well, fucked up. It must suck to be a wrestler and blow a spot in front of thousands of people, but it's always a trip when that chant goes up. I'd love to do that to a ridiculous co-worker who made a blunder due to her colossal ineptitude. And hell yeah I'd take the taunt if it meant I could taunt others. I believe in fairness.

4. Most of the women would be pretty f'n sweet. No further explanation needed, really.

5. My own theme music and accompanying pyro. If I knew that every time I stepped out of my building that some monster pyro and appropriately adrenaline pumping music (I've always thought "Just One Fix" by Ministry would be great entrance music for Damian Vegas) would kick in, I'd try to get to work on time.

6. Going back to the chants, if there's one I like even better than the crowd "you fucked up" chant, it would be its inverse, the "holy shit!" chant. You know, the most mundane tasks could become extremely satisfying if a crowd started chanting "holy shit!" in amazement at your actions.

7. No dress code. Let's face it, you can pretty much wear ANYTHING in professional wrestling. From Gorgeous George to Hillbilly Jim to Roddy Piper, wrestling attire really runs the gamut. While I'd probably skip the singlet, I could deal with some flashy Rey Mysterio style gear (including lucha mask).

8. Having a catch-phrase. Not all wrestlers have catch-phrases, but the great ones usually do, and I'd like to think that I'd have one if my life were more like wrestling. I think I'd have to come up with something better than "You just hit the jackpot!" for the Damian Vegas character, though. That just sounds like a Ted Dibiase rip-off.

9. Constant travel. Okay, this one you don't need to be a wrestler to experience, and most wrestlers get worn down from all the travel. But since I do so little of it now, a life on the road, experiencing different cities 4 nights a week, sounds like a little slice of heaven.

10. Cutting promos on people. For those not familiar with the term, cutting a promo is basically when a wrestler goes out and gets on the mic and puts over the angle in which he's involved as well as himself. The very best at it--the Ric Flairs, the Mick Foleys, the Rocks, the Steve Austins--can whip people into a frenzy consistently and get people to totally suspend disbelief. I'd love to just walk into my office at work, pick up a microphone, and just start riffing on everything and everybody. The rest of the day would be a breeze.