Friday, November 26, 2004

Hope all of you good people out there had a great Thanksgiving, however, and with whomever, you chose to celebrate. To my friends who read this, I am thankful for your wit and intelligence, because it enhances mine by association. (Ha!) Sorry, but there was no way I was going to sneak in some sentimentality without the requisite cheekiness.

I thought I had more to say, but apparently not. Hmm. Don't that beat all.

Oh wait, there is one thing: the new commercial for Jenga (with the father about to jump on top of a human pyramind comprised entirely of children) is hilarious, in the same way that Jack Black kicking a dog off of a bridge is hilarious. It's great when advertising doesn't completely suck.

Now I'm done.

Monday, November 22, 2004

Jerry Springer: The Opera?

Reports that the production was to be called Jerry Springer in The Magic Skin Flute are completely unfounded.

Also, many critics are already starting to sing the opera's praises, saying it is "cut from the same cloth as Boito's Mefistofele" and that it is "a worthy successor to the works Britten or Rossini."

I love this game!

Man, the one time you don't want them to suspend Ron Artest, look what happens.

I'll say it up front: Ron Artest is a knucklehead. Always has been. There's no real justification for him going into the stands.

Yet, somewhat guiltily, I'm glad he did. I just wish there would have been a good few minutes of a breathtaking beatdown before being pulled off. Because, quite frankly: fuck the fans.

Yes, it was just a cup of ice. Yes, he should have just let security handle it. I'm not saying he's right. I'm just saying the fans need a good asswhuppin, and I wish they had let Artest uncage some serious violence, because jackass fans--far more than spoiled athletes--are ruining sports in this country. Hell, I won't even stop at sports: any form of live entertainment is being ruined by fans who think that the price they overpaid for admission entitles them to behave like a bunch of savages. Well fuck the lot of them. I just wish that the cup of ice had been thrown at Shaq. Not because I want to see Shaq suspended for the season, or because I wish him any ill will, but because the violence Shaq would unleash would have been hilarious and I don't see too many people in an NBA arena being able to peel Shaq off before he does damage.

And I do not even want to hear people say that professional athletes should be held to a higher standard. Any other time, people want to see athletes be humble, be like the "rest of us." They want them to pay for their crimes just like anybody else. (Just ask anybody who is still seeing red over the OJ verdict; you know they're out there.) Yet, when these athletes have a very real and human reaction, as Artest did, we expect them to be above the norm, turning the other cheek. Well, you can't have it both ways. I certainly am not repulsed by Artest's actions, idiotic though they were.

What kills me is that, not only did this fan not get the asswhipping he so deserved, he will probably try to sue Artest and get some money out of it. Yet, there's absolutely nothing that Artest can do to hurt this person financially as much as Artest is getting hurt already. That's a shame.

While the punishment meted out by David Stern are not likely to be reduced upon appeal, I would like to suggest a way to handle future cases of fan jackasserie.

If a player is hit with any foreign object thrown by a fan, the player (or players) who is hit should immediately request a video replay of the incident. You can call it a "player challenge" or something. Naturally, this would require more video surveillance of the crowd, but I don't think that should be a problem, what with all the money the league makes with suspensions and such. Once the unruly fan has been singled out on video, he should have his face put up on the Jumbotron, with the caption "Waste of Space" underneath. Then, he should be escorted down to the floor, where he must face his victim. The victim will then be given an option: strike the fan (but earn a three-game suspension) or give the fan a chance to apologize or (now strap in for funny!) soil himself. Then the fan should be kicked out of the building and barred from further events at the arena for at least one year. Before each future event, they should play a slideshow of all fans who have been banned. Any fan who spots one of these offenders in the crowd should be urged to turn him in for a small cash reward (about $500). If a barred individual is turned in at an event, he should be prosecuted for criminal trespass. And, for comedy purposes only, if the banished individual is at the same event (ie, he was banned during a Pacers game and is spotted at another Pacers game), if his victim is in attendance, the offender should be brought to the floor again, and this time, kicked square in the nuts by his previous target.

And if the offender is a woman, each arena can keep the city's, biggest, baddest bulldyke on call to administer punishments, if necessary. Heck, they could generate some serious cash by making the competition for "Female Guardian of Fan Integrity" a live event. I know I'd pay to see it.

This could be bigger than Elf Bowling and Frog Blender.

Um, yeah.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Ladies and gentlemen, I am now a proud owner of The Real Rip Taylor CD. (Thank you, Jim O!)

Cue hilarity! And please crack up!

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

You know, I rarely get over to Modern Humorist these days. Anyway, behold: The Britney Papers.

Tuesday, November 9, 2004


I don't think they could have used a worse grab. He looks like an even bigger douchebag than usual.

Vaya con dios, Wanny. Perhaps if you get another shot at coaching, you'll actually care enough about the offense to let someone else run it.

And thank the maker that Huizenga and Spurrier have both said that the latter will not be a candidate for the Dolphins job. I would have had to start smacking fools just for living if that happened. If we're going to remain defensive-minded, why not Romeo Crennel? Brad Childress is another possibility, since he has experience with A.J. Feeley when he was up in Philadelphia. Personally, I'd like to see an offensive-minded guy in Miami, like Mike Heimerdinger or Al Saunders. Sure, they're an offensive line and a running back away from being able to accomplish things on that side of the ball, but having a coach in place who can work with what he has on offense until better players arrive is a big step in the right direction.

Of course, I would like to see the Dolphins go the way of the Redskins and go back to the future: Don Shula as "new" head coach!

Wednesday, November 3, 2004

So I was checking through my Sitemeter stats, and one of the referrals was from Technorati's political post index. It was listed under "Recent Posts from Liberal Bloggers." I had no idea I was a Liberal Blogger. I mean, I am a Blogger, and I am Liberal, but I've never been terribly explicit about it in my blog. Perhaps it was my endorsement of Rip Taylor that got me classified as such. It certainly isn't my association with hipster Republicans.

Tuesday, November 2, 2004

And another thing:

Vote or Die.

Thank you.

Today's random internet find: Blum Blum Shub. My new band name.