Monday, May 26, 2003

Damn...I can't believe how long it's been. I used to be really into this blog thing, but lately, I'm so lazy about it, that when I do decide to post something, I'm either at a loss as far as what to post, or there's so much that has happened, that the laziness kicks in, and I don't feel like going into all of it.

Anyway...once again, a lot has happened, a lot is going to happen, and I'm so damn lazy, I won't touch most of it.

Things with Melinda are better (sorry to have freaked you out, Andree). She has so much drama going on in her life that it's amazing that she can even tolerate my shenanigans for a mere nanosecond, let alone nights or weekends together. I'm just lucky that way. Either that, or she's certifiably insane and can't tell that I am, too. ;-) Anyway, things are going well. There are some hiccups, sure, but nothing that's sending me toward the panic button like the last time. There's just a lot less pressure and we're doing better for it. The relationship-intensity thing can be quite a snag, because it's always born out of something good, like being in love and wanting tp spend time together. But the thing about that is, it can throw your life out of balance, and that's no way to live.

In other news, my sister Danielle will be crossing the stage for her high school graduation this coming Friday. I can't begin to tell you how proud I am of her. Not that I ever doubted she would, it's just one of those golly-gee my sister is a woman moments. She's such a genuinely good person, as is my other sister (Desiree), that's it seems miraculous to me that they made it this far, considering their childhood included me as their older brother. (Hint: That's only half self-deprecating wit.)

So...she's graduating...Desiree is starting a new job at the beginning of June, and to top it all off, it looks like Big Lou (that would be my father, for those of you not in the know) will be living in the area starting this fall, as he will be teaching at the same high school as my mother! That has sitcom material written all over it. Luckily, they get along well, so the hilarity will probably kept to a minimum.

Also, it looks like I might be doing some travelling this year. My target is a July 17th-20th visit to the great city of Austin, Texas, to visit Angie and Che and Marcus and soon-to-be-born Spencer, plus Chuy and Sam (their dogs). I haven't seen Che since the day of Marcus' birth, which was back on August 2, 1999. I haven't seen Angie since September of that year at Kristy and Adam's wedding.

Speaking of weddings...this weekend marked the 6 year anniversary of Mark and Ana's and the 5 year anniversary of Angie and Che (they got married on Memorial Day weekend, one year apart). Nuts...I forgot to send them cards. Sigh...

And speaking of Kristy and Adam, I am aiming for a Labor Day trip to Chicago to see them, Liz, and Greg.

And while we're on the subject (sorta) of Liz, congratulations to her on her cover story for the Chicago Reader on the life and upcoming biography of MFK Fisher. It's a great read and worth your time to find if you're in the Chicago area. (Sadly, the web version of the Reader doesn't carry the print stuff. Pah.)

I think that's all. Yep. That's all.

A fighting champion,
Damian Vega$

Friday, May 2, 2003

Yesterday, I posted that bad things could possibly be happening, and as a result, I�m feeling uber-anxious. Since then, I have been feeling tremendously guilty, and here�s why.

The woman I love is having problems. She�s hit a point of total mental exhaustion and she doesn�t know what it is. I, being the self-involved potato lump that I am, naturally assumed that it must be something I did. Now, part of this is my perpetual state of cynicism and self-criticism. If something is wrong, it must be my fault, right? Another part of it (as witnessed by the preceding post) is self-preservation. If I expect the worst, then I can be as mentally prepared as possible when/if it finally happens. The third part, the part that I should really be putting my energy behind but am not, is concern about Melinda and wanting to help her. Now, part of the reason I�m not more active in this pursuit is that she doesn�t even know what it is that is bothering her, and we�ve agreed that I should just leave her alone until she�s had time to decompress. Now, this I did sorta grudgingly, and it is part of the reason I�m loading up on anxiety. But I told myself that I would do anything it took to make her feel better, even if I knew I�d be restless until her problems had a name (even if that name is my own). Of course, it hasn�t worked out that way at all. Instead of putting as much positive energy into thoughts of my baby getting better, I�m turning myself into a worked up emotional black hole.

Well, no more. Even if it is impending doom on the horizon, I shouldn�t care, because the immediate (and known) concern is Melinda.

I love you, baby. I don�t even know if you�ll read this, but if you do, know that I�m thinking about you, and hope that you�ll be back to the energetic, life-loving person you are. Even if that means�well�you know.

Thursday, May 1, 2003

May 1st and all is well.


I feel like I have a lot to say. A lot. But I won't. Reasons? 1) Not sure where to begin. 2) Trying not to be overdramatic when it might (might...slight might) not be warranted. 3) I'm actually not in a depressed mood. I have tummy skitches going on, but overall, I'm just...

Here's an analogy: I'm standing on the edge of a cliff, and I'm looking over. However, this cliff is not new to me. I've been thrown off it a few times, and have managed to get up again. You get thrown off a cliff enough, eventually, the fear disappears.

Okay, that IS melodramatic. And it's not even that bad. Sure, it could get worse, but what can I do about it? Some things in life you can't control. And no matter how well you think you know the way, sometimes your internal compass is off and you can still get lost. Some people try to find their way back to the road, while others just decide that the direction their headed is always the right direction. In some ways, that's almost noble, because you're always moving forward. But that way always leaves a trail of what ifs, and who wants that?

Ugh...cryptic philosophising is terrible. But you know, it's all I have at this point. I feel like I should be in a worse state than I am, but to tell the truth, I'm not. If I've learned anything in the past year and a half (and I have, believe me), it's that I just need to let things happen. Reacting to things that haven't even happened isn't healthy.

You know, I haven't plugged anything in here in ages. I'll have to dig something up.

A bientot!