Check me out America...

I'm being an asshole!

Ahhhhh...Friday. What have we done to you?

The day was short (burned a bit of my overtime to leave early) but sweet, as we had thai food for lunch. That's solid, no? Anyway, I left work a bit early so I could meet up with JG and CO for a little bar crawl action. Despite my advanced age, this is, in fact, my very first bar crawl. And she was a solid one.

Things kicked off at Mackeys, a bar on L St., where the main registration was held. Registration was $13 on-site, or $10 with a couple of cans of food. Or, if you weren't lazy like I, you could have registered in advance for $7. Met JG at the metro, then we both met with CO, who was already at the bar. Registered, and the drinking was on. Stood outside with the other participants, packed neatly into the little patio area. Things of note from Mackeys:

There was a surprising lack of baseball caps (at least standing outside), save two guys with their Red Sox hats on. Believe me, these ducks embodied everything wearing such a chapeau would indicate.

"Circus ugly." Okay, I'm certainly not a GQ model, and it is mean to just be slamming random women, but there was a girl there who was just hideous, and became sort of the running joke of the night, as she wound up being at many of the bars at the same time as we (since there were a number of bars on the list, and there is no order of attendance, this is actually odd). She had a Mrs. Potato Head-thing going on. Sorry, but just thinking about her again makes me vurp. (See? Asshole!)

The guy at Recessions, next door and also part of the crawl, had a creepy, Everquest playing, van with tinted windows look going on. He was out there announcing "$2 shooters!" but was not getting much of a response. Shocker, no?

So after Mackeys, we bail on to Rumours, which is at the corner of 19th and M. Again, we got on the patio and just took it all in. Not a bad spot, especially when one of the dancers for Camelot walked by in all of her wonderful, beautifully fake (as opposed to "painfully fake"; I think we all know the difference) titted glory. Magnifico! We are eventually joined for a bit by CO's co-worker, T. Good guy, funny guy, nearly made me choke on my beer when he pointed out some old dude coming up the street (in my current, slightly hungover state, I cannot remember what he said about him). He eventually left with some femininas (friends of his) who did not want to pay the cover (all the bars were charging $5 covers if you had no wristband for the crawl). I should state that our selection of this venue was not entirely random, as JG spotted a couple of hot youngbloods on the patio that we had noticed at Mackeys. Sadly, I don't think we saw them the rest of the night. (I know I didn't.)

So once we're done with Mackey's, it's on to Lulu's, which is 23rd and M (I believe). On the way, we stop at McDonald's, so I can get a little bit of food into me (just a burger) and I called my mom, in a semi-inebriated state, to check on my sister, who is having some medical issues that are pretty common in my family. I should know by next Thursday (approx) what exactly is happening on that front. I have a feeling everything will be okay, but that doesn't dampen my concern any.

And now Lulu's. First, this was the first Lulu's experience for all of us, which is surprising considering we've all been in this area for the last 10-odd years. We probably would have gone on President's Day '03, as Girls Gone Wild was there, but that was also the weekend we got a couple of feet of snow dumped on us. I was stuck in Silver Spring for 4 days. Good times.

Second, it was really dead at that point. Lulu's was definitely going to be the finishing spot for the night. So after a beer, we beat it out of there. Nothing much to report from this establishment. Up next, Porters.

(I'm running out of time, as I'm about to meet with AK for a glorious day of fun, so I'll post this now and finish it later. Believe me, you do not want to miss that. Stay tuned, bitches!)

Jesus...I started this two weeks ago and I'm now just finishing it. Not that I have been working on it the whole time (obviously...could I have cut more corners), but that's still a long time to take on one goddamn post/recounting. Anywhere, here's some old shit:

(FYI: this narrative was started on 6/16/04)

Well, it was bound to happen. I got on the elevator, expecting it to go down instead of up. I then, without looking up, went to the apartment that I thought was mine and tried to fit the key into the lock...

Wait...when did 3s start looking like 5s? (Only when I'm in a bar wearing beer goggles. *rimshot*)

Thankfully, I didn't make a big fuss, jiggling the knob or what not. That could have been ugly. Or, a potential Penthouse Forum moment. Guess I'll never know.

Speaking of apartments in my building, I met the occupant of one a few doors down from me. Nice guy freshly moved in from Brazil, though, as I found out, he used to live in Rogers Park. I was just there visiting my goil EMT.

Hey! Transition! Huzzah!

(Totally unplanned, ladies and gentlemen. I'm just THAT good.)

And now, the trip.

Thursday (6/10): wake up after the second consecutive night of 5 hours of sleep, shower, throw the last things necessary for my trip into my bag, and I'm out the door. At the sound of the tone, the time will be: 8:15 am.

I get my Metro on and before I know it, I'm in glorious Ronald Reagan National Airport. I do the e-ticket check-in and am greeted with the message: "Your flight from Atlanta to Chicago is experience mechanical problems. Your new arrival time is now 3:16pm." So, I finish the check-in, give EMT (who will eventually meet me at the airport) a ring-a-ding and let her know what's what. Get to my gate, grab some breffuts (chocolate croissant and a bottle of water, bitch), and wait.

Fly to: Atlanta.

Atlanta's airport ain't bad. Easy to navigate, and I find my gate with no problem. Now I have some time to kill. About 2.5 hours, to be precise. So apres lunch (BK my way, fool!), I sit down in a primo spot for people watching, slip my headphones on, and kill time.

Ze women...they are, how you say, fizzine? That's right, French Snoop coming at ya.

Of course, just as my zone is about to board, the display now reads 3:40pm for arrival. Le sigh.

So after yet another call (voicemail), I'm back in the air, landing in Chicago sometime 'round...hey! 3:40! Good call.

(Already I've lost control of this narrative. And I'm starting to lose interest in typing it. But I shall press on...)

EMT and our cabbie Muhammad (not a joke; his actual name) pick me up just outside of where I claimed my bag. I load in and we're on the road. It's kinda rainy, but this does not deter Muhammad from playing slalom on the highway. Not in any overly dangerous way, but it was aggressive in an "out of my way, jerkass!" sort of deal. We make a stop at Superdawg for some most excellent vittles, then we're back off to EMT's where we finish our food, watch some Simpsons, then...nap. Between food and rain and travel and lack of sleep in general, sleep was inevitable. After a quick nap, more tv was watched (Game 3 of the NBA Finals), and dessert was craved. The solution: EMT bakes! Mmmmmm....pudding cake. And just as the cake finished baking, a couple of EMT's friends show up, with ice cream and cookies! Score!

So we all adjourned to the living room, the television was turned off (novel concept, that), and conversation was made. Well, the women made conversation. I kinda stared into space. But at least I wasn't the over-the-top chowderhead that I usually am. So I think, impression-wise, I broke even. After they left, EMT and I relived old times, then it was back to sleep.

That was Thursday.

Friday, I was roused from sleep by Hermione (who, with Ursula, comprise EMT's fabulous feline duo), who was nuzzling and licking the top of my head. Much to my surprise, the close proximity of said kitty did not send me into an allergic fit, which was my state for 95% of Thursday. So apres shower, we cab downtown (EMT is lugging a computer in to have cleaned by geek co-worker), drop my bags off in her office, and it's out into the city to explore.

What happened next? Lunch, walking, more walking, even more walking (all this walking, by the way, was mostly done on Michigan, Wabash, and State), and finally, some lost time in the Jazz Record Mart. Considering the amount of time spent inside this monument to all things good about music, that I walked away with only one CD seems a bit of a shame. (The CD, for those keeping score, was the Joe Morris/Mat Maneri album, Soul Search.)

By the time I finished in there, it was time to pick up my bags from Liz and get on the train to Midway, where I was meeting up with CLJO and JG, who were flying in. Said a quick goodbye to EMT (felt a bit too rushed, actually; wish I could have had more time with her) and dashed off. Well, I wasn't quite dashing, as my bags were pretty heavy. So it was really more like an amble than a dash. Anyway...

Got to the train station, made a couple of calls (returned calls to AK and CLJO), then boarded an orange line out to Midway. No wacky passengers to report, though, there was one ghetto lookin' white girl who was either wearing a thong or panties with the waistband frayed apart. (It was honestly hard to tell.) God bless her.

Arrived at Midway and was greeted by Mr. O. We exchanged pleasantries while awaiting the arrival of JG, who arrived perhaps 15 minutes after I. Soon after, our host for the weekend, GC, pulled into the parking lot. I turned to JG and said, GC "just pulling into a parking spot is hilarious." And so it we piled into the vehicle, noting that Mr. C was covered in grease, much to his dismay/chagrin/surprise. Well, not covered. But had a nice dollop of it on his shoulder, and a bit on his short pants. Totally inexplicable. (The shoulder blotch, anyway.)

And now, some fast-forward recounting of the drive:

"I'll kick you in the face!"

Fallen H on the Oaklawn Hilton.

(Formerly) one of the worst intersections ever.

Take the Reed Richards ass-cannon to that White Castle.

So this is where the Bill Swerski and the Superfans would be.

And so much more. See, this is one of the drawbacks of waiting nearly 2 weeks to recount this trip. So many fun details are lost. Next time, I'm bringing Edie McClurg to take notes. (Yes, that's a Back to School reference.)

Get back to GC's spot and just kinda crash. No, not nap time or anything. We just get ourselves situated and chill for a bit. But not long, as we're soon out the door to fill our bellies with delicious pizza, courtesy of...wait, let me think. Nino's, yes? (Correct me if I'm wrong, fellas. Damn my memory.) Wherever, it was mighty tasty. Much beer was consumed, I ogled me a nice young employee of this fine eating establishment, we spoke ill of the dead (the Reagan funeral was in full effect), and overall had ourselves a helluva good time. And if you eat there, I recommend the garlic bread. Now that's buttery!

After this, it was time for dessert. The answer? Why, a combo Dunkin Donuts/Baskin Robbins, of course! Ice cream and donuts? You betcha! And all served to us Ganesh twins. Delicious. But the best part happened in the parking lot, where a line floored me (and would continue to crack me up) for the duration of my stay:

"Check out Johnny Southside."

Mr. O, you have bested me yet again.

And it was true. Total Johnny Southside. The mustache, the open shirt, the shameless swagger, all there in spades.

We put away our desserts and roll back to the spot for some rest. I don't remember if we napped briefly, but I do remember going through Mr. C's music, as well as some solid Shotgun Charlie. (I'd explain, but I don't even know the genesis of this particular character. Let me just say it's fuh-diddly-uckin' hilarious.) Finally, it was back out into the night for some drunken fun at Bourbon Street. Met up with MD and his girl (okay, boys, do it with me: flip through the rolodex!) and started the drinking. That place is sweet, and I wish DC had something similar. Unfortunately, DC crowds don't know really know how to have fun and such an establishment would be lost on them. Anyway, we started at a table outside, but then the rain clouds came a-rollin' in, so we moved the fun into the enclosed portion of ze beer garden. We spent some time trying to free Mr. C when he indicated that he may have some sort of history (I forget the story) with one of the women in attendance. Alas, he did not fly in and find out. A shame, that. Her ass, if memory serves, was vurr' nice.

Eventually, we were done drinking, and so we hopped into the ride and proceed (through some heavy rain) to get some terrific Mexican grub at...some place whose name escapes me. (C'mon...it's been three sleep-deprived weeks.) And while all of the food was good, the best part in my somewhat inebriated state were the fries. Oh lordy, those fries. We took the food home and housed them in the dark, as the place had lost power. Then, we slept.

And now, Saturday:

Woke up, sat and scratched our asses. Actually, Mr. O made a food dash, which Mr. C turned into a delicious, delicious breffuts. Eggs, bacon, donuts, hash browns, biscuits...you know, if I take anything else away from this weekend (other than the naked bodies, which of course are first and foremost), it will be the food. We sat around and watched some quality television (well, with the aid of the DVD player): The Best of Chris Farley, Old School, and Arsenic and Old Lace. Chris Farley, Will Ferrell and...Cary Grant? You bet your ass. Oh, and in between the movies, we got out and played some mini golf (I fell apart on the back nine in a most magnificent fashion) as well as made a stop at Juniors (that's the name, right?) where I had my first Jr-ito, sans tomato. Eventually, it was that time. We made our way to the groom-to-be's place, toasted his fleeting bachelorhood, watched a little baseball, then finally descened upon the fine establishment that would play host to The Bachelor Party.

I don't even know where to begin here. It was open bar from 8pm to 1am, and boy did we make it count. The pizza ordered for the party was supoib. The first stripper was late (and, as it turned out, never showed), but the second stripper made up for it. She came to play and I thought she did her job well. After taking good care of the groom (and the father of the groom, and the best man), she opened up shop to the rest of the boys. This was all legal, so don't let your imagination go too far. My boys paid for a little "feed the kitty/pie in the sky" action for yours truly (which involved a dollar bill and whipped cream being cleaned off of me with the stripper's naught parts) and I treated myself to an "around the world," where I did the whipped cream cleaning. Word is that I made the stripper blush, but you know, that could have been crazy drunk talk.

After the entertainment left, we (and I don't know how this started...I believe one of the groom's uncles was responsible) roped in this hot (and when I say hot, I mean hot in that totally trashy, fake-tits kinda way), could-have-easily-been-a-stripper-at-a-hotel-strip-club, twenty-two year old blonde to join the party. In my very hammered state, I totally tried to break her off, but it didn't happen. Digits and some kisses is the extent of my action that night. We also tried to get her to bring more girls upstairs from the bar downstairs, with mixed results. After the open bar closed, it was time for the strip club. Sadly, the story does not pick up here. Needless to say, a last minute change in destination proved to be a big mistake. I did see some quality titties, but after some shoddy treatment and likely being labeled as "the cheap guys," I got no lap dance. I believe this is the first time I've been in a strip club that offered private dances without actually receiving one. Oh well...there will be more. After last dance was announced, we ended the night. Got back to Mr. C's spot after 3, slept for about three hours, and then it was time to get up and get my ass to the airport. Yes, my flight was insanely early, but at least I made it back on Sunday. CO and JG could not make the same claim.

And that's it. That was Chicago. Food, titties and beer. Top notch. Worth taking all this time...well, no. But it had to be told, if only so I wouldn't feel like a colossal blogging failure. Now I can start blogging about more recent events, like the Barbecue Battle ("ve are barbecuing aren't ve not?"), my job search (maybe), new music (well, if not here, then on the other blog), and other random silliness.

(Weblogs and) The Mass Amateurisation of (Nearly) Everything...

and

Weblogs and the Mass Amateurization of Publishing"

Late, I know. Stumbled upon these articles randomly, actually, but I thought they were worth the read. I have some thoughts about this, coming out on the con side more than you/I might think, but I'm not done formulating.

Lazy. Sooooo lazy.

And you know, Homer was right. That Andy Capp really is onto something.

Chi-town recap almost done. Seriously.

Sooooo lazy.

Zzzzzzz...: this is the conclusion reached by the NY Times. To quote the article: "The book, which weighs in at more than 950 pages, is sloppy, self-indulgent, and often eye-crossingly dull..." Ouch. Though, I like the image of "Uptown Clint" (thank you, Aaron McGruder) reading this and ranting, McGuirk style:

New York Times
New York Times!
You think you're better than us?
Us?
U-S?
U-S-A?
No way.

The end.

Sofia Mini: "Because getting drunk on canned booze is easier than picking up a camera to document your ennui." (Quote and link provided by Defamer.)

Still no Chicago update. Soon, I promise. Soon.

Sontag vs. Kael: The Brawl to End It All. Possibly another fascinating read about two people I only know by name. (Link found via Rock Critics Daily)

Also: Chicago was a blast, but I won't blog about it just yet. Lotsa fun. Monkey fun. But I'm not gonna write it out yet because I'm very (pronounced Dirty South style as "vurrry") tired. Hopefully I'll belt it out tomorrow.

But, I'm back. Let the tea parties and slapfights game!

Some bric-a-brac:

I'm all packed. I'm nearly Chicago-bound. Just have a few things left to take care off (a bill to mail, getting itinerary to people en caso de emergencia), but other than that, I'm good to go.

I totally forgot to mention this in the weekend recap, but I ran into Blelvis again. Nice guy, really nice. That's only the second time I've run into him, which is odd, since I'm always on the streets late at night on weekends. He must get around. It was funny, I told him I saw him in a movie, and he rattled off three other movie titles (the only one I remember is Heavy Metal Parking Lot, a film I've only heard of, but would like to see one day) that he knew he was in, but none of them were the one I saw. (FYI, he's in the beginning of an otherwise crappy movie called One Big Trip. Great soundtrack, though. In this movie, he's right outside of the Common Share in Adams Morgan, if I remember correctly.) He seemed genuinely surprised to find out he was in another one.

Watching the first Matrix movie as I type this. Man, did that series become a turd. The second movie was passable, and well, I didn't even bother with the third movie, based on reviews (both professional and amateur). Honestly, how many people can be that wrong? Maybe the Star Wars trilogy will work like the Matrix in reverse: crap (fuck you, Jar-Jar), serviceable crap (saved by the Yoda/Dooku fight), and awesome. Dare to dream, eh?

That's it. I'll be off the blog until Sunday night at the earliest. You all take care of yourselves.

Feel free to provide your own caption to this. (Thanks to ML for sending this to me.)

This weekend has been great: friends, drinking, and a movie. Plus, I'm getting my ghetto Chinese on as I type this. And above all, I turn my TV on and Purple Rain is on. Was there trim involved? Well, no. But you can't get everything you want, and I'm grateful for this.

Goodnight, bitches.

sincerely,
Dr. Funk

Though I am no lesbian (not even a woman, for that matter), I certainly support the idea behind this site: The Eliza Dushku Estrogen Brigade. I think my new favorite word is "dykon." Who coined that?

Here's a rundown of my day:

Work
Lunch
Haircut
Monterey's
Conker
Hooker titties.

Thank you and good night.

Mr. O has stated that he has some thoughts coming re: the "controversy" surrounding Wonkette/Washingtonienne. (Do a Google News search if you have no idea what I'm talking about.) Before he puts his own spin on the issue, I thought I'd get my bile on and rant nonsensically about it.

With a deep breath, I must ask a simple question: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? You know, I can understand needing some escapist "news" in the face of our current war on terror, heinous local crimes, and Michael Moore's chubby puss on every news channel, but do we really need to focus on some Paris Hilton/Monica Lewinsky wannabe-hybrid? Couldn't we come up with something a little more challenging, a little more outrageous, like say, I don't know, a possible Scott Baio/Erin Moran reunion sitcom? (For the record, I made that up, though, I do find the idea outrageous.) Seriously, some whore (and let's not mince words here; she may not have put out for money explicitly, but she jolly well knew she was getting something besides physical pleasure out of the deal) bangs some anonymous Hill people, and suddenly it's news? Haven't we moved past the days where a woman's sexual exploits are considered shocking? I mean, unless Saxby Chambliss was involved, this story isn't worth the column/screen space it's been alloted. (Yes, yes, the irony tastes delicious. Let's continue.) There's nothing outrageous or shocking or newsworthy about anything in this story. Not the libidinous **** (rhymes with "stunt") at the center of the "controversy," not the government officials who banged her, and not the fact that she blogged about the whole thing. Any genetic defective with rudimentary knowledge of the internet and some time to kill (hint: look at what you're reading) can get a blog going. So she did it on company time; pardon me while I break out the defibrillator. I'm sure 95% of all bloggers use the company hardware and time to post their irrelevant ponderings. Hell, I'm doing it right now! Where is the newsworthiness in this story? Jebus H. Vishnu, didn't Clinton drain the well on the sexual "deviance" of government? Because that seems to be the only hook, and I cannot believe that people are so eager to eat it up. Here's a little clue for you: just because it happens between elected officials and the town whore doesn't make it news. You swap "elected official" with "J.C., the Cracker Barrel custodian" and the picture of what it is becomes clear: people fucking. No more, no less. Get over your mock indignation or your 2nd-grade teehee-ing. You should be ashamed of yourselves for making one act (sex as currency, aka, "a woman can fuck in exchange for goods and services") seem like something out of the ordinary. That's about as run-of-the-mill as a D.C. cop issuing a parking ticket.

Now if you'll excuse me, I still have 20 minutes left with my freaky prostitute. Did somebody say "pastyface?"

Just heard on ESPN re: American Idol (they were showing the announcement of the winner as part of their Top Ten): "the death knell of American culture."

Funny, I think the same thing every time one of their summer stock wannabe announcers spouts their lameass, wouldn't-be-heard-on-a-shitty-UPN-show, catch-phrase. Fuck ESPN. They are becoming the MTV of sports, and that is not a compliment.

Defamer: Monday Morning Box Office: America Assumes The Position For Shrek 2.

Hilarious: "The big, green ogre bent over the American moviegoing public and banged it until $104 million flew out of its sequel-hungry ears."

(Thanks to JW for turning me on to Defamer.)

You know, I haven't been much for posting lately. Not that things haven't been happening, but I've just been feeling incredibly indifferent to my blogs these days. So, in order to at least keep this thing from falling too far behind, I give you some fluff links for your amusement and/or consternation.

Maybe it was going after the fly. Seriously, is Mr. Magoo ladling out the soup in that kitchen? How do you miss a mouse?

Wait...Around the World in 80 Days starring Jackie Chan? Ha! Hooo! Can't stop laughing. Okay, I just did. Actually, check out that cast: Steve Coogan, Kathy Bates, The Governor of California, John Cleese, the Brothers Wilson, Sammo Hung. Maybe I will see this after all.

Hilarious or ridiculous? ("Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?") I came across this site because I was looking for more pictures of this guy. When did J. Jonah Jameson become the FEMA director?

Speaking of ridiculous:



Also: at retroCRUSH, they're doing a "50 Coolest Song Parts," chronicling the top 50 songs where "pieces of the song are cooler than the song itself." Interesting.

Kentucky Derby

The race is a couple of hours away (current time: 3:56pm EST), so I will make my picks public. How will I do?

W: Pro Prado
P: Lion Heart
S: Quinton's Gold Rush

The Utah Trip

As travelogues go, this will be by far the most mundane. To be blunt (and possibly save you time), I really didn't do much in Salt Lake City, but not for the reasons you might expect. You know, like, "Dude, it's fucking Utah! What can you do there?" But first, some back story.

The entire purpose of the trip was to see A & C. I went to school with A, both of us freshmen in the fall of '92. She was one of the first people I met (admittedly, through her then roommate, who I kinda had a little crush on) and to this day is one of my closest friends. We even lived together for a couple of years in two different group housing situations. Anyway, the last time I saw them was nearly five years ago. (I have known C for nearly as long, as he and A met that same fall of '92.) The last time I saw C was the day of the birth of their first son, M, in August of 1999 and the last time I saw A was a month later, at a friend's wedding. We have remained in touch, of course, but due mostly to my financial struggles that began in the winter of '99, I haven't really had the scratch to get down and see them. In that same time, they have also had a second son, S, so raising a family, in addition to their work, has kept them from making it up to this area.

Needless to say, this trip was long overdue. I set aside the vacation time a few months back, and was really looking forward to making it back to Austin (where they were living until a few weeks ago; a bit more on that in a sec). Then, sometime at the end of February, when I was getting ready to coordinate times and such with them, I found out the news: due to some occupational re-shuffling and downsizing, they had to move to Salt Lake City, where A was getting a job at the corporate headquarters (the other option being unemployment). So SLC it was. I booked the room sometime during the first week of March and booked my flight a few weeks later. Fast forward to a week ago today and presto, I'm in beautiful Salt Lake City.

The flight: window seat the entire trip, with only one connection (in Chicago, my next travel destination). Not too bad, even though it left at 8 in the morning and I wound up only getting 4 hours of sleep the night before. C meets me at the baggage claim, we head off to his truck, and mere moments later, we're in search of vittles. I have to say, Salt Lake City is beautiful. Mountains all around, some still with snow on top, a decidedly tall building-free skyline, and an all-around cleanliness (for lack of a better word) makes it a joy just to ride through. And ride we did, in search of food. What was my first official stop outside the airport in Salt Lake City? Why, Hooters, of course. As has been the case of every other Hooters I've been to, the experience was underwhelming. The beer and wings were delicious, but the staff--less than stimulating. From there we get on to the hotel, where I drop off my bags, give my hair (which is really fucked up for some reason) a once over, and it's back on the road. At this point, it's almost time to go pick up the kids from day care, so our next destination is decided. But before that, a few things to note about my first impressions of downtown Salt Lake City:

Clean. Almost freakishly so. To the point where I nearly question its "city" status.

Traffic is obeying the letter of the law. Stopping at all the crosswalks, going the speed limit, the whole bit. On more than a couple of occasions, I marveled at how some people were able to cross the street without becoming roadkill, as they would have here or just about any other metropolitan area for that matter.

A big billboard for Alternative Utah. If you go to that site, the first billboard I saw was the top, without the makeover. I thought, "wow, the queer community doesn't even get that kinda board space in Dupont Circle! And here they are representin' in Mormon nation. How deliciously perverse!" Okay, that last part I just added in there in a fit of Paul Lynde/Oscar Wilde tomfoolery. Sorry. Then, the next day (or possibly even later that day), it was redone as the bottom billboard (as seen on the site), pimping "Alternative Music Utah." Feh. Modern rock shenanigans. And look at those fucking assmonkeys! I bet you Bill likes to fart on Kerry and Gina while they eat.

Back to the actual trip: we go to pick up M and S from day care. We go to M's class first, and he runs up and hugs C with a loud "Daddy!" cry. Then he sees me standing a little behind and he says, "Who's that guy, daddy?" After a brief explanation, we go pick up S (who is a mere 10 months) in the baby room, where he is being tended to by a rather cute employee. (Another aside: two of the kids there, a brother and sister, were named Jet and Jade. Now if you're going to give your kids alliterative names--damn you, mom!--those are two of the better ones.) We scoop up the kids and we're back to their crib. And what a crib it is! They are actually only renting it for six months from a WNBA player who was a member of the now-defunct Utah Starzz and currently plays elsewhere (but keeps her home in SLC, in which I believe she may have roots). Anyway, A and C are definitely living large for the time being. Not P. Diddy large, but large all the same. We are greeted at the door by Chuy and Max, their two dogs. And cue: allergies! Actually, the allergies didn't kick in immediately, and as it turns out, they were mostly cat related (as one of the couches is still home to some dander that belongs to the WNBA player's cats). But for that evening, when I was on the couch, my allergies just took me to the woodshed. I think the lack of sleep and hours of travel may have worn me down a bit, too, making me more susceptible. But, I prattle on.

Moments later, A arrives from work, we hug, she is warmly greeted by M, and it's catch up time. The rest of the evening consisted of conversation, dog walking, a homemade spaghetti dinner, and a game or two of Hi Ho, Cherry-O!. Sometime around 10:30, A drives me back to the hotel, where I quickly change out of my hair-covered clothes, turn on HBO, and crash not too much later. And that's Thursday.

Friday: I slept in late (when C called at 9 to see if I was up, I had to beg off for a few more hours). When I do get up and ready myself, it turns out that he needed to get a new battery for A's car. So we're postponing for a little while longer. That's fine. I decide to do a little exploring for myself. I get outside, in search for a small bite to eat (nothing big as lunch was in the cards), and just wander. I finally get a $0.99 type burger from Carl's Jr. with some chocolate chip cookies. Yum. Then I walk around some more, seeing the Temple (of course), and some other nice buildings which I cannot identify. Here's where the travelogue really falls apart, because my whole purpose for this trip was to spend time with A and C and their family, not to explore/sightsee. Sure, that would hopefully be part of the deal (especially since it would be a exploration for both of us, since they had just moved up there about a week before I arrived), but not a major priority. I come across Crossroads Plaza (your typical mall) and finally, Wasatch CD Exchange. Ahhhhhhh...here we are. One thing I try to do when I travel is find the local music dive where I can pick up your basic indie/avant/underground/miscellaneous album. This was a fine store, indeed. My purchase: Virtuosity, by Chops (he of The Mountain Brothers). It's a solid, if a bit "same-y" sounding, record and recommended to all you hip-hop headz out there. After that purchase, I get back to the hotel. Time passes by, then I'm out the door with C.

Another aside: the weather is ridiculously nice. The temp is only in the mid 60s, but with no wind and on elevated terrain, it's perfect, and not at all what was being called for when I checked the weather on Wednesday night before I packed. Score!

Lunch was at Squatters and was delicious. We dined on the outdoor patio, where I had some amazing garlic fries with my entree and a couple of delicious beverages (a Black and Blonde as well as a Captain Bastard's Oatmeal Stout). C also bought this shirt on the way out, which I wish I had picked up, in retrospect. Funny.

Post-Squatters, we basically drove around, looking for something to do and coming up mondo empty. We drove up by the university (of Utah) and then back down in the valley, but ultimately found nothing that interested either of us. Really, there isn't much more to say about this day: we picked up the kids from day care (where the older children, including M's class, were doing sing-a-longs for the parents; a verse: "If all of the raindrops were lemon drops and gum drops, oh what a rain it would be!" Eat your heart out, Bernie Taupin! I had that song stuck in my head the whole weekend); we had dinner at Wingers, then went back to the spot for some more maxin' and relaxin' (and dog walkin'). My return to the hotel that night was about 12:30 am.

Saturday: woke up and found out that little S was sick and had to be taken to the doc. So I had some time to kill, which I did with the NFL Draft. Fuck you, Eli Manning! And welcome aboard, Vernon Carey! But of course, fuck you Pittsburgh, and fuck you harder Buffalo! I can't believe Big Ben dropped to the Steelers, and that the Bills picked up the QB I was hoping the Phins could somehow pick up. Damn!

Lunch, around 2pm, was at Cafe Pierpont (mit bad service! But excellent salsa bar), then it was off to Hill Aerospace Museum. We didn't have a lot of time to explore, but it was good fun, and recommended if you're into that sorta thing. After that, we went for a brief expedition on Porter Rockwell Trail. Again, not much more to the day, winding down once again at their house, watching Trading Spaces reruns and some late night chinese food.

Sunday morning was a comedy of errors trying to cram in one "fun" thing before I left, or at least a nice little brunch, as A kinda felt bad that we didn't get to do much due to sick kids and car batteries and work and such. She needn't have felt that way, though, since I really enjoyed myself. I saw enough of the place to want to go back and everything I wanted to accomplish--catching up with A and C and their family--was done. Anyway, as it turns out, all the restaurants we wanted to try were either closed or too far from the airport for us to get to and actually dine. So, after dining under the golden arches, I was packed off to the airport. It was a hard goodbye for sure, but that happens. I had forgotten how much I loved being around A and C. And their kids are just angels! Even M took a shine to me, something I learned was rare, unless you happen to be a pretty girl. (Smart kid.)

The trip back was a little hellish (I was in the middle seat most of the way and had two connections), ending with a lost bag. On the plus side, I had a reason to skip work the next day. All in all, my first encounter with Salt Lake City turned out to be a very good one, with the city defying my (admittedly ignorant) expectations and then some.

Now...green jello for everyone!

I just got back to the spot from Utah about an hour ago (it's 1:15 am right now). The trip, which will be described in greater detail some time in the future, was great until the finish, when my last connecting flight was about 25 minutes late and my luggage was lost. Yeah, if you heard a loud "FUCK!" around 11:15 tonight in the vicinity of National Airport, that was me.

On the other hand, today (the 26th) is my nephew's 5th birthday. So I got that going for me.

Just heard on TV:

Artie Lang, doing a Regis Philbin impression, "Rock, do you mind if we hit you with an ASS-BALLOON?!"

Ahhhhh....late night.

Gawker put this up today. Oy. Cuddle parties? Of course, without them, I may never have read the phrase "ridiculous California-damaged ninny" today. The only way a cuddle party would work out is if it was combined with a bacon tasting. Then I could go for it.

Ugh...this joke writes itself. The job of late night comedy writer just got a bit easier for at least a week. Just sad.

Slow your roll, Maurice. That's right, the courts did the right thing, in my ignorant opinion. As much as I am a mark for Clarett (being a Harding alum and all), I still think his career, and that of every other player who would try to get into the league under this ruling, will be better off in the long run. I just hope he can get his college eligibility back.

In other "news," I'm going to Salt Lake City this week to visit my good friends, Mr. and Mrs. C. It should be fun. The last time I saw both of them together was almost five years ago, when they had only one dog and one kid (who at that time was just a day old). I saw Mrs. C a month later at the wedding of Mr. and Mrs. M, whom I will be seeing (among others) on my trip to Chicago in June. (FYI to those which the following is applicable: rooms without ridiculous daily rates are impossible to find for those dates, so I will likely be seeking assistance on the housing end. I have one more connection to try to get me the hookup; otherwise, expect some requests.)

The weekend that was: home for mom's birthday on Friday night (this trip also included an "inspiring" trip to Annapolis on Saturday afternoon), drunkenness at the Black Cat on Saturday night, and nothing of consequence on a beautiful, lazy Sunday. (Well, except for Backlash, which featured two must-see matches for you marks who missed it: Cactus Jack vs. Randy Orton was tremendous for its brutality, and the booking and execution of the main event made it another match of the year candidate for Triple H, Shawn Michaels, and Chris Benoit. That's two PPVs in a row now.) Here's something useful to all you aspiring alcoholics out there: black cherry soda and Vanilla Stoli, like Ben Affleck in Phantoms, is the bomb, yo.

There is nothing else to report.

Today's phrase that pays: horror vacui.

Also: Astroboy as currency. What would be an American equivalent? Homer Simpson? (I seen it. That is to say I saw it here.)

Then there's this: I wanna be trailer trash. (This was swiped from here.)

Finally: take that. (Lifted from this site.)

People, people, please. Cease your wailing. I'm back. Those dependent upon my hilarious braying need wait no longer. Daddy's home, daddy's home.

Just got back from the birthday/Easter weekend. All in all, very good. The kids were over last night, which was hilarious as always. My niece has the best afro my family has seen since my sister (the one turning 19 this weekend) was a baby. Just awesome and wild. My sister's was more spherical, with tighter curls. Perfectly round, actually. My niece is closer to Ludacris in 2 Fast 2 Furious, but curlier. (His busted-ass hairstyle was more of a comb out than a big, fucked-up afro.) Actually, if you want a good comparison, think King Buzzo of the Melvins/Fantomas. Just wild.

As for my nephew, he's also on that wild, accelerated growing up ride. He seems a bit taller and a lot smarter every time I see him. To be expected, I guess, since he's going to be 5 in two weeks. Still, I can't help but take notice. I suppose if I saw him more, the progression would seem natural. As it is, it seems like he'll be hotwiring cars and crossing state lines in no time at all.

The rest of the family are holding it down as always. There's the normal dysfunctional stuff, sure, but that's not really for this forum. (And not too bad, anyway.)

Not much to report. Even though the family is in Annapolis now (as opposed to that beautiful social desert, the Eastern Shore), there's not much for me to do when I go home. I do have one thing: when we finally made it back to my mom's place on Friday night, she was watching The Brini Maxwell Show. I have to say, I enjoyed what I caught of it. It's like Martha Stewart without the evil, and just the slightest bit of camp. Brini plays it so straight-faced and sincere, though, that it never reaches the point of overbearing. (She's not Paul Lynde, for example. Though, if he were alive, I'd like to think he'd have a similar show on TV.) Plus, and I have no idea if this happens on every episode (I sort of hope it does), Brini and some guy, having thrown a record on the hi-fi, belted out a nice little duet. Very Shag. Mr. O would approve. I think this comes on E! as well, so I might have to keep an eye out for it

Le mot du jour: entelechy.

Yeah, that's all.

Black Gallagher, bitch!

Um, yeah.

Anyway, what's been going on? Last weekend basically revolved around Saturday. In the afternoon, JW and I went to see Hellboy, which was a solid film. Not being at all familiar with the source material, I have no idea if it was faithful to the comic, or if it was another Hollywood whitewash, but based solely on its merits as a movie, it was definitely worth seeing. Moreover, it makes me want to go pick up a Hellboy collection or two. Now that's quality.

That night, JW, Mr. O, and I hit Bugsy's, as well as the Fish Market (is that the name of that joint?). We hit tried Bugsy's first, but it was still silly packed because of the Duke/UConn game. (Go UConn!) So we hit the Fish Market instead, and by the time the game was over and we went back, Bugsy's had thinned out considerably. So we got our table, got our drinks, and basically just shot the shit. I once again tried to "Free Westy," but did not succeed. All these ducks is killing me inside.

The work week has flown by. Boss is out tomorrow and Friday, and today, we had the farewell reception for the assistant boss, who is getting promoted to CFO of another property. Good for her. Meanwhile, I got my drink on. Nothing like getting roasted on company time. What?! And the foodstuffs was tasty to boot. I felt kinda bad for the outgoing assistant, though, because not many people showed up. (She was not exactly the most well-respected person in our hotel.) Oh well, what does it matter to her? She's about to get paid some serious ducats.

Speaking of jobs, the one I was considering is now off the radar. I found out that they're not trying to pay a brotha more than he's making now, so I said fuck it. It's just as well; a new department would have only been a temporary solution. The real solution is finding a job elsewhere altogether.

The next few weekends are fatpacked. This weekend is my baby sister's 19th birthday, as well as Easter. Next weekend is my mother's birthday, and the weekend after that is my trip to Salt Lake City, plus my nephew's birthday. And yes, I did finally buy my SLC ticket. I bought it when I got home Sunday afternoon, and it cost me about $75 less than I would have paid any time between then and when I booked my room. So everything is set for that. I have one weekend to breathe, then if everything goes well, the following weekend I'm in Virginia Beach with JG and anybody else who wants to come along.

This weekend, I'm missing two social gatherings. On Sunday, a friend of mine is having an Easter BBQ, and on Saturday, a co-worker of mine is having a birthday party at H2O, which from what I've heard, is one of the hotter clubs in D.C. Of course, it also seems like the kind of place where I would not have a good time, just because I would be so out of place in a club where you have to dress up. Consequently, even if this weekend wasn't booked up, I would have probably found an excuse to get out of it.

And that, motherfuckers, is that.

'Sup fools. The DVX is in the hizzy and um, something else hip. Or something.

The week is wrapping up and it's been up and down (work-wise). I talked to the director in the department to which I'm considering transferring, and from my conversation with her, the job sounds like it's mine if I want to take it. There are pros and cons, of course. Despite her reassurance that I'd be perfect for the job (she actually said I was the first person she thought of when the department was given the green light to create the position), I'm having doubts. Nothing major, probably just jitters, but still, the doubt exists. It's going to be an entirely new experience and the perfectionist side of me (small and hidden though he may be) doesn't like the idea of going into a new position and possibly fumbling around during the transition.

The pro side--a very big pro--is that it would be a change to a different department. While it's not getting me out of this place completely, the change may be enough to not make me want to smack fools just for livin' on a daily basis. Seriously, I have some pretty great co-workers, but the place has kinda fallen apart due to what feels like non-stop turnover and position switches since last summer. What was once a fairly cohesive unit feels like a patchwork lineup of journeymen and past-their-primers. (To use a convoluted sports analogy.) Plus, though it's not been confirmed, I believe I'll be making more cash in this new job. That's always sweet. And hey, if I decide I want to stay in the hospitality trade, the area in which I'll be working will be very valuable in the future. So I got that going for me.

Quoi d'autre? Oh yeah, new term that I hope to never use legitimately (i.e., under a non-comedic setting): "ass-milk." Thank you, Dave Chappelle.

Also, thanks to Monica, I now have "shibby" stuck in my head again. Haven't had that in a long time. Shibby!

Okay, obviously I'm just padding this entry out. But before I wrap it up, I have to say well done to Mr. C on his entry in the wonderful world of blogs (as mentioned previously). It's a swell read.

Speaking of reading blogs (segue!), I'm almost positive one of the boys posted this, but if not, here it is: an anthology of blog writing. (More about it here.) I want to say there's something wrong with this...something that does not sit well...but it would probably come off as my suckling at the teat of hate. One more time with feeling: I don't hate, I participate.

Vega$, bitch. What?

And it goes a little something like this...

Friday: work und more work. Left earlier than I had planned in order to meet up with Los Os, JG and JW. Tonight's destination: Hard Times Cafe, Alexandria style. Of course, I still got there later than the designated 6:30pm start time. It was a good time, as I got to catch up with Los Os, while JG and I gave Mr. O a hard time for being a bit of a name-dropper in his blog. (He's not really that guy, but it's much more fun to pretend he is and give him shit for it. This harassment would last well into Saturday night. More on that later.) The food, as always, was fat-packed with deliciousness. I ordered and appetizer of southwestern egg rolls (forget their menu name), and then, after seeing JG's order, eventually got myself some Coney Island dogs. Now that's tasty! After much conversation and food consumption, we's called it a night. I returned home, did a load of laundry, goofed off, then went to bed.

Saturday: On Thursday evening, via telephone conversation, JG and I hatched a plan. We sprung this plan on the Hard Times attendees to try to drum up a little group road trip. Alas, they were all pussies. Consequently, it was only JG and I who made the trip to Pennsylvania for a journey into deliciousness. That's right, it was another journey to Hoss's. As JG put it: carpe salad bar.

So, I wound up getting up butt-ass early for a Saturday (and a dreary morning Saturday to boot), 'round 8:30, just so I could get to the gym before meeting with Mr. G. Did that, returned to my tasteless hovel, cleaned myself, and set off to start my day at about 10:30. Met JG just after 11am in the Best Buy in Tenleytown and we began to make our way there. We get to Hoss's, place our orders, and we're heading for the salad bar. JG, being a Hoss's veteran and (as I discovered) a salad artiste, got in line ahead of me. We're moving down the length of the bar, assembling our salads, when all of the sudden, there's a halt in our progress. It turns out that JG's favorite salad dressing, the dressing to which he was building this particular salad (a sight to behold for sure), was no longer available. In its place was some heinous, non-fat raspberry vinaigrette concoction. Feh! I chuckled at first, but it was no laughing matter. Salad philistine that I am, I was not able to comprehend just how important this particular dressing was to the overall salad experience. Its absence knocked JG for a loop and he had no idea how to proceed. Italian? French? Buttermilk ranch? I'm not even sure on which dressing he eventually settled, but the experience was certainly an eye-opener for both of us. The lesson learned? Always check what dressings are available before you start throwing salad fixins together. On the fly salad making is not recommended.

Anyway, after stuffing ourselves thoroughly, we made our way back to JG's spot to watch the Saturday afternoon tournament games. Of course, there was about 45 minutes until tip-off, so JW and I squared off with a trash-talking filled game (or three) of Hot Shots Golf 3. Needless to say, he put a solid beating on me. Someday, though, his virtual reign of golf terror will end. JG, meanwhile, fell into a food coma, not to emerge until the first half of the first game was nearly complete. When he finally did make his way downstairs, we just chilled until C (a co-worker of JG's) showed up and we were ready to make our way toward our next destination: The Red Room Bar at the Black Cat. The four of us got there and planted ourselves at the end of the bar (our usual spot) and proceeded to drink up. Mr. O eventually joined us for the merriment (at which time JG and I proceeded to give him more shit for his alleged "name-dropping" crime). As time passed, Mr. O, JG and C decided to call it a night, leaving only JW an I to fend for ourselves. The rest of the night was rather non-eventful for the two of us, the high point being my clumsy flirtation with some girl who seems connected in odd ways to D.C.'s music/arts scene and who also seemed to be in the red as far as her drama-ometer was concerned. But she was friendly enough, so no harm in talking to her. Eventually, JW and I made our way out of there sometime between 1:30 and 1:45, where he would make his way back on that long ass ride to Alexandria, while I walked the 15 minutes or so back to my spot (with the obligatory stop for ghetto chinese).

And that was Saturday.

Sunday (today) has been a total wash. Didn't get out of bed until it was firmly in the PM, and have done not much of anything since, save going to CVS for a couple of items. I need to put a serious cleaning on this place, I'll tell you what. But no energy for that today. Mmmmm.....slothful.

This week could have some interesting possibilities, as there's a position open at the hotel that I'm considering applying for. Word on the street is that the director in that department has actually considered me for this, but is afraid my current boss wouldn't let me transfer. That, of course, is not true, as he has already told me he's willing to promote me wherever I want in the hotel, and even gave me first shot at a position that came up in engineering back in November. But we shall see. I do hope the pay is a significant increase, as I'd like to start saving more money and, more importantly, move out of my current apartment and find something nicer/bigger.

Also, The Black Dahlia Murder will be playing at The Ottobar in Baltimore next Friday. I may try to make that, if I can get all of the logistics worked out. I wish they would play in D.C. proper (is there any place in D.C. that books metal shows?), and it's either this or Jaxx. We'll see.

Okay, right away, I will say that this is fucked up. Really. But I also started picturing the teacher singing "Kill the Wabbit" as soon as I saw this. Elmer Fudd has ruined me. Damn you!

Take that, Atkins!

We've done the twinkie, boys. Do we dare?

When Two Tribes Go to War: A History of Video Game Controversy: this is a fascinating read over on Gamespot. (Found via Scrubbles.) On page six, they mention the new carding system, to which I was subjected last week when I bought Mafia. When you scan a game that is rated M, a screen pops up and prompts the cashier to ask the purchaser if s/he was born before whatever year would make them 17 and consequently old enough to buy the game. Of course, I didn't get carded after I said yes. I don't know if that's cashier discretion (because I'm obviously of age) or just laziness. But I have to say, I'm glad its in place. It's a fairly harmless precaution and it puts more of the responsibility on the parents if their kid comes home with a game with questionable content. (And my rambling editorial re: games that go too far and what exactly is the responsibility of game designers that I threated a few weeks back is still brewing. Worry not.)

Well, since Mr. O has started talking about his recent trip, I guess I can't really use fatigue to be lazy about going into this past weekend. Thank you for raising the bar yet again, bastard.

(I keed!)

Actually, there isn't much to say about the weekend. It started for me on Thursday, where I was set for a 12:30pm meeting with JG at the Tenleytown Best Buy (he was working up in that area), at which point we would make a beeline for his spot with a stop for vittles along the way. So I'm inside Best Buy (where I wound up buying Mafia and Splinter Cell), it's about 12:45 when I get the ring-a-ding.

It begins.

"I'm still in this meeting and it's going to be another half hour or so." (That's probably not an exact quote, but that's the long and short of it.)

So I continue to walk around the store, seeing what else I might buy (almost picked up two Slayer CDs, a WWE DVD or two; the one thing I actually wanted--season one of Chappelle's Show--was not in stock). Before I know it, JG is standing next to me. I make my purchases and we depart. We go across the street to where he's parked, load into the car, he pays $4 for ten minutes of parking, and we're off. NCAA tournament, here we come. (Mind you, the first few games are already in progress.)

So we're heading down Wisconsin...traffic ugliness. We turn right on Van Ness to head up to Nebraska (?...lord, I don't know my Tenleytown geography any more) and BANG! The po-po have a stretch of Nebraska outside blocked off. So we make a U and continue up Van Ness, a left onto some street and BAM! Backed up traffic, because there's a light and everybody is waiting to turn left onto Massachusetts. At this point (actually, much earlier--long, useless meeting don'tcha know), JG is steaming. After some more tricky navigation, we finally make it onto Mass and we're home free. We have a generally trouble-free drive from that point. The plan was to find a Popeye's up near where J and J live, but it was not where it was supposed to be. So JG and I decide to make a trip to Giant for some rations and a drive-thru at McDeath's on the way back from Giant. Inside Giant, JG and I embark on what I dubbed the "stoner special." Our haul: beer (2 cases), chips, soda, cookies, ice cream, mini corn dogs, donuts and the most brilliant move of all: a whole chicken.

(BTW, Mr. O, kick Mojo in the nuts for dropping the ball on National Corn Dog Day, a'ight? Fucker.)

So with food in hand, we get our Mickey D's on, and we're heading into the final turn. Humorous (sorta) aside: my cell phone was blowing up that day for some reason. All wrong numbers, of course, and JW, who was wondering where the fuck we were. By the time we get to the spot, two of the games are over (and JG and I had already lost one Sweet 16 team from our brackets with Charlotte losing to the Big Joke in a Red Sweater), we were just in time to watch the closing minutes of the Maryland game.

From this point forward, there's not much to say about the weekend: Chappelle references, basketball, gluttony (we housed just about everything from our haul except for the chicken of all things, plus we ordered Monterey's twice, chinese food once, and JW and I went to IHOP on Saturday afternoon), lechery, beer beer beer, a trip to Bugsy's, "Free Westy!" (All these ducks are killing me inside!), The Swimming Pool, and PS2. Now that's a boys weekend. JG and I are pretty much on the losing end of the tourney pool (he was blasted out with extreme prejudice on Sunday night; I was done the night before), though, I still have my eventual champion alive and kicking. That might be good for third place again.

I came home Sunday night, rested (got more sleep at their place than I would have if I had been home the whole time) and not at all wanting to take on the work week. But so far, it's been very tolerable.

By the way, in case you didn't notice it on the links to your left, there's a new blog for everybody to visit and laugh with: Ruidoso, presented by Mr. GC himself.

Thank you. Now go.

I'm back. My mini-"vacation" at the Double-J Ranch was a great time (as expected). Will blog more about this when/if I feel like it. Right now, just going to catch up on a few things and then call it a night.

Also, since my brackets are pretty much shot, I will now cheer for Xavier for the rest of the tournament. Go Musketeers!

Like my friend Carl O., I, too, will be away from the blog for a few days, as I'm heading for a luxurious stay at the Double J Ranch, where much beer (and Monterey's, hopefully) will be consumed and an assload (Asl; Buttload, or Btl in metric) of basketball will be viewed. I'd make public my picks for the Final Four, but I could do without the ridicule, thankyouver'much.

Of course, my absence means considerably less since I don't update as regularly as Mr. O, nor do I update with news of much "consequence."

Now then, go on about your "bidness."

Just heard on Sportscenter (re: Bobby Knight): "...the general tosses salad everywhere." I knew it! Ha!

Now wait just a goddamn minute...they cut out Eudora Welty's belch. THEY CUT OUT EUDORA WELTY'S BELCH! Did her estate sue, or is this just outright insanity? Someone help me out, please.

Fuck.

This weekend (so far) in patented Carl O. bullet point form:

Friday: apres work, met up with JG and AE for some hot ACC Tournament action at the ESPN Zone. This was my first visit, and I have to say, I wasn't terribly impressed. Bailey's is a better venue, in my opinion. (Especially for its "JG Sports Bar" status.) Didn't do anything after that.

Saturday: early part of the day was spent shopping (first for presents for my sister's birthday, then for myself), while the evening was spent in the company of JG and JW watching the Comedy Central Chappelle's Show Marathon. (What?! Okay!) In between was some more hot ACC Tournament action (fuck Duke).

Sunday: Birthday lunch for sister with sisters, parents, nephew and niece. Also, was able to watch the first half of the Patriot League championship game, where my alma mater was competing for the third year in a row. Once again, they lose a close game and fail to get that automatic entry into the NCAA tournament (again, fuck Duke). Soon, lord let's hope they make it soon. In about 30 minutes, I'll be watching Wrestlemania XX. And while we're on that subject, let me give you the rundown on the card and my predictions.

Christian vs. Chris Jericho (Raw): This should be a solid match as far as the workrate. They certainly did an excellent job building to the match the last few months. Jericho usually steps it up big, and this is probably Christian's biggest non-tag team match at any Wrestlemania. My guess here is that they put Christian over, but not before he gets a solid beating from Jericho. Pick: Christian

Torrie Wilson/Sable vs. Stacey Keibler/Miss Jackie ("Inter-promotional"): Total T&A trainwreck. I wish they wouldn't waste PPV time on matches like this. Only good thing that can be said is that there might be a nip-slip. Otherwise, utterly worthless. Pick: who cares?

WWE Cruiserweight Open (Smackdown) featuring Chavo Guerrero (Champion) vs. Kidman vs. Rey Mysterio vs. Tajiri vs. Ultimo Dragon vs. Akio vs. Funaki vs. Nunzio vs. Jamie Noble vs. Shannon Moore: This should be an entertaining spotfest. No psychology at all. I'm not even sure how the rules are for this match. I'm assuming it's going to be gauntlet style (first two square off, then the winner faces the next entrant, and so on). It could be a battle royal. There have been rumors that Dean Malenko could be a surprise entrant. I'm hoping that due to the fact that they're calling it an open that there are at least one or two surprises (Hurricane? Spike Dudley? Nova?). I'd like to see Chavo retain and enter a feud with Paul London, who really needs a push, because he's probably the second best cruiser behind Rey Mysterio right now. (And Mysterio, who is ridiculously over, is being rumored to be getting a push against heavyweights soon.) Pick: Chavo Guerrero.

WWE Tag Team Championship featuring Rikishi/Scotty (champs) vs. APA vs. Haas/Benjamin vs. The Basham Brothers (Smackdown): The Bashams just had a long run come to an end, so I don't see them picking up the win. Rikishi and Scotty are ridiculous. Rikishi should be cut and Scotty should have his character made over and entered in the cruiserweight division. Haas and Benjamin are the best wrestlers of all 4 teams and would put on the best matches, but don't have much personality at this point to be a top drawing tag team. That leaves the APA, but that's been done many times before. A toss up, but I'm going with the self-proclaimed "World's Greatest Tag Team." Pick: Haas/Benjamin

World Tag Team Championship featuring RVD/Booker T (champs) vs. Jindrak/Cade vs. the Dudleys vs. La Resistance (Raw): You have two guys (RVD/Booker) who were thrown together because they were being wasted otherwise (they should really be in the World Title mix), a team whose gimmick (and title reigns) have become stale (the Dudleys), and two very green, but promising, teams. It's a far cry from the Hardys vs. Dudleys vs. Edge/Christian days of a few years ago, when the tag division seemed exciting. Total tossup, so I'll go with Jindrak/Cade, as they're expected to get a big push in '04. Pick: Jindrak/Cade.

WWE Women's Title featuring Victoria (Champ) vs. Molly Holly (Raw): If only the entire women's division were as good as these two. Though they'll only get 10 minutes tops, it should be entertaining. I just hope that they don't get too excited (considering the event) and blow a bunch of spots. They deserve to shine. The stipulation that Molly has to shave her head if she loses pretty much means she'll win. Because a woman with an ass as fine as her's should not be bald, ya heard?! Pick: Molly Holly.

The Undertaker vs. Kane ("Inter-promotional"): Another match that has been getting solid build up for the last month or so. The big draw to this, of course, is the return of the Dead Man gimmick for 'Taker, after a few years as "The American Badass" biker gimmick. The vignettes of him spooking Kane have been excellently done. I'll totally mark out for his return. As for the match, it should be a lot of Undertaker no selling, then destroying his "brother." Pick: Taker.

Rock and Sock Connection (The Rock/Mick Foley) vs. Evolution (Randy Orton/Batista/Ric Flair): Yet another match that has had an excellent story building to Wrestlemania. Three legends plus two guys who are being touted as the future of the company (part of the future, anyway). The obvious choice would be to have Evolution go over, since Orton and Batista need the rub. Not to mention that neither Foley or the Rock are part of the long range plans for WWE. The wildcard is Flair. If The Rock and Foley win, they could use Flair as the guy who gets beat. That way, Orton and Batista lose nothing in terms of stature, and it would fit perfectly in a future Randy Orton turn. (Flair would be the ultimate legend for the "Legend Killer" to face.) Still, I have a hunch it won't work out that way. Pick: Evolution.

US Title Match featuring The Big Show (Champ) vs. John Cena (Smackdown): Cena is certainly headed for main event status, and it will be sooner than later. An impressive (not to mention clean) victory over Big Show will help that move into the top spots. As far as quality, I don't see this being up there. Cena is good, but he isn't great, and certainly not talented enough to carry The Big Show (improving though he may be). In any case, Cena should get the duke here. Pick: John Cena.

Goldberg vs. Brock Lesnar with Stone Cold Steve Austin as enforcer ("Inter-promotional"): This could have been an epic, but now, with Lesnar announcing he is quitting after Wrestlemania, and Goldberg having made that same announcement months prior, who knows how this will end up. Before Lesnar's announcement, he was the obvious choice to win. Now...who knows? I'd like to see these guys tear it up (Lesnar is good enough to carry Goldberg, that's for sure), but with one foot already out of the door, it could be less than spectacular. Pick: will probably be a lame no-contest or double DQ finish.

WWE Title Match featuring Eddie Guerrero (Champ) vs. Kurt Angle (Smackdown): Many--myself included--believe this will be the match of the night. Two of the finest wrestlers in the world today squaring off in the sub-main event of the biggest PPV of the year. They always leave it all out there, and I don't expect this to be any different. I expect a lot of psychology, a lot of clean, mat-based wrestling, with perfectly placed high spots. I hope this match gets at least 30-40 minutes. Pick: Eddie Guerrero.

World Title Match featuring Triple H (Champ) vs. Chris Benoit vs. Shawn Michaels (Raw): The second best match of the night, most likely. All three of these guys can put on a great show and this should be no exception. Before they made this a Triple Threat match, I would have picked Benoit to win. Now, my guess is Triple H will pin Shawn Michaels, leaving Benoit to take the title next month at the PPV in his hometown of Edmonton. Pick: Triple H.

And there you have it.

Oh, and one last thing. My niece (who is only 2) was singing "Get Low" by Lil Jon the other day according to my mom and my sister. Thankfully, my mom doesn't know what "skeet skeet" means. All she knows is that her grand-daughter is singing a song off the radio. Ha! My sister (the mother of my niece) just laughs it off. Hilarious. Wish I could have heard that myself.

A Thought

This popped into my head on the way home from the gym. And I must preface these remarks by saying I don't know enough to verify or refute this analogy, but does anybody else think the Sedaris/Vowell/Pollack/Eggers school is to literature what the Dave Matthews Band is to music? (I'm sure the more obvious comparison would be Belle and Sebastian, but I'll stick with my original thought.)

No, there was no substance to that. Just something that popped into my head quite randomly. Cheers, monkeys.

Another game: Campfire. JW sent me this link, where you play as one of four serial killers and terrorize a campground. From your good friends at Daydream Software. (Crazy Swedes!) There's a little commentary percolating here (re: the increasing number of games which allow you to play on the "other" side of the morality line and how this game might be going a little too far), but I haven't the time to write it out now. Until then, enjoy the link.

I grabbed this article from Scrubbles. I post this only because I wondered quite the same thing when the issue of gay marriage started hitting media saturation recently. It's parallel to the kind of sentiments I've heard before when women want to enter a traditionally men-only area/institution/whatever: "Sure, we support your right to , but honestly, why would you want to?" I know, I know, it's all about access; not whether they should, but if they can. But still...despite my own inclinations toward marriage, I see my mother and father (and stepfather) all having two failed marriages under my belt, my sister on her way to her first (and hopefully last), and I think, why bother? Then I see how happy all of my married friends are, and how strong their marriages appear to be, and I reconsider. Then Little Lord Thistlewick Vegas speaks up and says, "just bring me the women, I don't care how long you decide to keep them around."

As you can see, I have no way to finish this bit up. So I end it with this awkward sentence.

Yep.

Continuing off the previous post re: the new Grand Theft Auto game, here is a short list of games that are either newly released or future releases that figure into my purchasing plans:

The Suffering: This looks like a solid new entry into the rather thin horror genre. The storyline doesn't seem like it lends itself to a sequel (at least, not a storyline sequel), but that's not necessarily a bad thing. The question is, will it live up to the standards of the genre established by past titles like Resident Evil (at least the first few titles) or Silent Hill?

Mafia: Grand Theft Auto transported to the 1930s? That's one (apparently, off-the-mark) interpretation. Despite the technical problems (it seems all reviewers, when discussing a port to the PS2, has to bitch about the loss of visual beauty and some relatively clunky mechanics) mentioned in this review, the gameplay still sounds satisfying.

God Of War: Sweet. Any game where the preview invokes Clash of the Titans and Heavy Metal (and this is the second preview I've read that does) has got to be quality. Or else, game review land is fileld with a bunch of unimaginative semi-plagiarists. Either way, this looks solid.

Hot Shots Golf Fore!: Looks like it will be even better than HSG3, which means I will be playing the shit out of this game.

Syphon Filter: Omega Strain: I love this series (even though I never got around to the picking up the third one). This is the first one for the PS2 and it looks like it will be as good as the previous installments. And to think, the first game got dismissed by some as a Metal Gear Solid ripoff. Ha!

Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas Announced Hell yes. Mark your calendars, kiddies. Some questions: Will this be set in the present, or will they go back in time again? (70s style would be the next logical step.) Which music groups/artists will be featured on the soundtrack? For what kind of station will Lazlow be working? And what celebrities will be lining up to voice characters in this game?

Website, eh? Subtly Simpsons (Found over at Scrubbles)

Godzilla: dead? I love the headline on this article. ("Japan safe at last; Toho to kill Godzilla.") This link swiped from Jinjur.

In other news, I'm one step closer to being in Salt Lake City next month. All that's left is to book the flight. I know, that's about the most unglamorous announcement ever. But, the trip is to see a couple of my best friends who will be moving there at the end of the month. So fuck you. SLC, baby! The one thing is, I booked these dates on the same weekend of my nephew's birthday party (though, I will not be missing the actual birthday itself, which is that Monday). I told my sister this a couple of weeks ago, and she was not upset. I'll be seeing all of them so much in the next month (I have four birthdays coming up; both sisters, my mother, and my nephew), they'll probably be sick of me by then, anyway. Still, I feel kind of weird knowing I'm not going to be there. I'll just pop-in on his birthday proper and surprise him. Damn, I love that boy.

What else? I dunno. It's almost tourney time. A personal aside: Mr. O, what's up with National Corndog Day, fool? What's Mojo's story?

That should do it for now. And oh Lord, JG and I absolutely wore out our bad Lil Jon impressions on the phone tonight. Curse that Dave Chappelle; his comedy tractor beam is too powerful. If we resist, our hilarious hulls will splinter, revealing our unfunny interiors. (Where did that metaphor come from?)

You know, I really want to comment/rant about the housecleaning the Washington Capitals are currently undergoing. Then I remember, I don't know jack shit about hockey, nor do I particularly care. Everything I know about the NHL I learned from the Sega Genesis circa 1992. Go Ulf Samuelsson!

Lord help me, I'm actually watching the Academy Awards. A summary to this point (it's just about 10:00pm):

-I want to slap Billy Crystal.
-LOTR: RotK so far is batting a thousand. How...dull.*
-I couldn't tell you what any of the acceptance speeches are like, because I've been switching to The Fugitive when the winners start to talk. Who cares?
-I really want to slap Billy Crystal.
-Why is Peter Jackson dressed like a flood victim? Isn't he rolling in cash now? Jesus, man. Armani, motherfucker! You're giving fat guys a bad name in that outfit!
-Hey, tribute to Blake Edwards. I can get behind that.

And the most revelatory thing from tonight's show: Liv Tyler has confirmed my glasses fetish, without question. (Speaking of Liv, is she "exceptional" or what? I was waiting for her to start drooling on herself.)

*You know, I have nothing against Tolkien or LotR, but seeing a movie sweep the Oscars really removes the drama from the evening, especially when I have this deep down feeling that the movie isn't worthy of all of its accolades. (Full-disclosure: I haven't seen the movie, or any of the trilogy, yet. I don't see many movies, period. I think I saw four last year, maybe five. I do intend to see the Trilogy, probably buying the deluxe trilogy DVD set when it is eventually released. But I have to say, the movie has the "taint." That is, its rabid supporters have nearly removed any desire to see this movie. If I have to suffer one more "Omigod, you haven't seen it? You're kidding me!" I just might smack the shit out of someone, possibly Jackson. He deserves a boot to the ass for the way he's dressed tonight, anyway. He looks like a less flamboyant Bruce Vilanch.)

Please help. It's a noble cause. (NOTE: Not safe for work. And act now; you know how fast these auctions disappear.)

Your monkey technique is impressive, but can you defeat my Rummy Style?

Today's (that would be the 21st) Get Fuzzy is hilarious based on one simple phrase that is now going to be part of my vocabulary: Chubby Sanctioned. Oh, the myriad uses!

In other news, JG and I went to see the American University men's basketball team beat arch-nemesis Holy Cross tonight. It was a solid, low-scoring affair. The truly noteworthy items from the evening:

-"You wear purple!" Worst chant ever, delivered by the Delta Gamma sorority, who didn't know well enough to let it die when nobody else would join in.

-"The Weinstein Cowboy" Some guy who made Woody Allen look like Charles Bronson wearing a cowboy hat. This is an offense similar to Homer wearing the rasta hat (in Homerpalooza). Only certain (read: manly and rugged) guys should be allowed to wear cowboy hats. Not some future tax attorney. Fuckin' cretin.

-"You're all devaluing my degree!" Goddamn, speaking of cretins, the place was fat-packed with them. Of course, I have no use for my degree (now, and probably in the future) and I didn't really invest much (well, from an academic standpoint, anyway), so it's not actually devaluing *my* degree. But I feel bad for my peoples here. Luckily, they got their MA on, so it's not much of a loss to them, anyway.

-Despite that indictment of the student body as a whole, the women there were off the chart. Ridiculous. Gott in himmel!

-"We were invited! Punch was served! Ask Poland!"

-JG, as I type this, is probably STILL on his way home, because sections of both the Red line and Blue/Yellow lines going in his direction were operating on one-track. Poor bastard. At least he has his leftover burger to keep him from resorting to cannibalism, should the train get stuck.

That's the evening. Other items from today include finding out that my trip (to see good friends) to Austin, TX in April will now be a trip to Salt Lake City. In the year of the monkey, Damian Vegas gets banned from a state for the first time. Damn. Plus, I'm watching Short Circuit on HBO right now. "No disassemble Johnny-5!"

Yet another celebrity blacker than Wayne Brady. The story behind this picture can be found here. (Via Scrubbles)

"Huh? What is this crap?"
"Fox Corporation: down 10."

It's very scary when Fox is able to make itself look more ridiculous than The Simpsons ever could. Of course, I'm talking about new reality TV show, The Littlest Groom. (On principle, I cannot link to the show. However, in this case, the principle is laziness.)

I just watched the opening to the first episode and I had to change it. This is basically The Bachelor for little people, but with a "shocking" twist. After a certain number of eliminations, they add three more women who are NOT little. Uh oh! What will The Littlest Groom do? Will he "sell-out" and pick one of the taller women, or will he represent for little people the world over and not turn his back on the little women?

Allegedly, this is compelling television. I just don't understand how this made it on the air. And I don't say that because I don't believe little people should have a show of their own. Generally speaking, I don't understand how any of the reality TV shows make it on the air. But honestly, was there a strong push from the little people community to have their own show? Somehow, I doubt it. I could be mistaken, but given Fox's track record, my guess is the conversation went something like this:

Exec #1: You know, the window is closing on this whole reality TV fad. We need to get out some product before it becomes passe. But what angle? Who do we feature?

Exec #2: How about fat people?

Exec #1: We already have My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance in development.

Exec #3: You know, we could always exploit more black people.

Exec #2: UPN has that market sewn up.

Exec #1: Wait a minute....it just occurred to me. What are the two Ms of comedy?

Exec #2: Monkeys and...

Exec #3: Midgets! Of course!

Exec #1: How about we do a midget version of Fear Factor? Have the midgets do gross things? We could pull the Jackass audience with that combination.

Exec #2: That's TOO exploitative, even for us. What about something romantic? That should be sufficiently creepy to some, while tugging at the heartstrings of the rest.

Exec #1: Well then, how about The Bachelor for Little People?

Exec #3: Midgets...or else, the "Two Ms of Comedy" makes no sense.

Exec #1: Fine...The Bachelor for Midgets...what do you think of that?

Exec #2: I think we have ourselves another hit!

(In unison): We did it!

You know, I hate to say this, but I really wish The Simpsons would end their run and that the NFL would go back to NBC, because I feel like giving up on Fox completely.

Filipinos are world record kissers. C'mon ladies, don't miss out. I may only be 50%, but that's still better than 0%, right? (Thanks to Liz for the link.)

I liked it despite the absence of Flubber. Glayven?

So tonight, I turn to CBS (big mistake) and the Grammy's are on. I come in at the beginning of the big funk extravaganza, which I thoroughly enjoyed, even if George Clinton has seen better days. I think to myself, okay, I can check this out during commercials.

A few commercials later, I go back to the Grammy's...

It's Snoop and Jason Alexander.

*click*

I couldn't even watch that for the morbid curiosity factor.

Then, a commercial or two later, I go back. To paraphrase Marge Simpson going into Uncle Moe's: "Chick Corea with the Foo Fighters? Whatever."

I have now sworn not to go back to the show. I should have known better.

Since Mr. O. has recommended people check out this blog for details of last night's excursion, I guess I should probably post them. So, here she be:

The place: Cap City. The occasion: JG's grad party. But first, let me back up just a bit.

The night before (that would be Friday), I went over to JG/JW's spot, where we had to entertain ourselves for a while because JW's receiver is on the fritz. (Therefore, no DVD or PS2.) In town for the Saturday Night Main Event were DD (with A) and CE. Eventually, the receiver came back to life and stayed on long enough for us to watch Run Ronnie Run!, which was hilarious. ("I didn't even get my suck-off!") After the movie, I bailed back to my place and called it a night.

Now then, back to Saturday night. There was a really good/diverse crowd there: JG's friends from back home, his co-workers, the AU crowd (of which I am one), a couple of JW's friends from school, and a few other people. There was a great open bar, lively conversation all over the place, and Mr. O was at the top of his game. He had all of the best lines (though, I think I scored a decent one by describing one of the attendees as a combination of "Yeardley Smith and Tawny Kitaen," but you really had to be there) of the night. Anyway, as he said, because of some combinations of people, it was a real powderkeg in there. Luckily, no arrests were made (or even necessary), and the party went on without a hitch

The plan was for a group of us (basically, whoever wanted to go) to go to Bugsy's in Old Town after the party. Unfortunately, we didn't leave as one big group, but rather, in a few small groups. And that, my friends, is where my harrowing tale begins.

My group consisted of DD, A, and CE (DD and CE are childhood friends of JG/JW, and A is DD's fiancee). We were all kinda lit, though, CE and I were more in control of our senses. DD was pretty gone, and A...well, God bless her, she was just blasted. Now, keeping her steady wasn't a big problem (she was holding onto me...can I just say that DD is one helluva trusting man?) and getting from point A (Cap City) to point B (the Metro), wasn't much of a task. A bit of a slow trek, as A kept on yammering on about how she never usually gets this banged up, and how she works with adolescents (I suppose this is to add credibility to her statements). She keeps telling me how cool I am, and calls me Jack from time to time (after hearing the story of last week's Black Cat adventure), and unzips my coat, etc. Occasionally, she'll notice other people around her and calls out to them; thankfully, none of us got our asses kicked. Eventually, we're on the platform, but we're too far up, and none of us notice the train pull up well short of where we're sitting. I run for it, but the conductor refuses to reopen the doors. The others finally straggle up behind me, and we decide to stand there so we don't miss the next train. I suggest that CE, DD and I form a barrier around A, so she doesn't wind up on the tracks. Mission accomplished. We catch the train, transfer to another train two stops later (this included a trip down the escalator to the lower platform; thankfully, nobody took a header). We get on this train, and it's a good 15 minute ride or so to our destination. CE and DD are sitting in one seat, A and I are sitting behind them. The conversation, btw, really hasn't changed since we left Cap City, as A is talking about (read: repeating) the same stuff. Eventually, about a stop away from our destination, the conversation turns to A's engagement ring. It's a nice ring, bigass rock on it. Good for her. We get to Old Town, get off the train, and start our trek toward Bugsy's. DD is a bit more sobered up, so he's now in charge of his fiancee. So I'm a bit up ahead (since I know how to get to the place), walking with CE, while DD and A are a bit behind us. All of the sudden, "no! no! no!" (Or something to that effect.) I turn around to see what's going on...

DD: The ring is gone!
Me: Which ring?
DD: *silent*
Me: Her engagement ring?

So A and DD start to freak out, I'm not even sure what CE's reaction is at this point. I tell them all to stay put and I'll trace our steps back and see if I can find it on the ground. I make it all the way back to the station, and I'm looking in there, when the rest of them show up, having followed me back. I ask the station manager if it's okay if I go up and look on the platform. He says go ahead. I go up, look about: nothing. I go back down and start to talk to the station manager again about what can be done re: lost and found. Meanwhile, DD and A had gone up to the platform themselves. I go up (with the manager) to retrieve them. A is kinda losing it at this point, saying over and over that she's not leaving and she just wants to go home. With mine and DD's urging, we eventually get her downstairs. I pull out my cell phone, thinking about who I could call at the bar to debrief on this situation. Lo and behold, there's a message. It's Mr. O. I call him back and get his voice mail, just stating that we're at King Street, there's been a bit of a situation, and that we'll be there soon. Meanwhile, the station manager calls ahead to the end of the line, where the train has just arrived. They'll search the train and then call back. I ask CE to stay with the manager to wait for the call, while I go to trace our steps out of the station again. A little ways out and BAM! There it is. I pick it up and run back to the station yelling "I found it!" DD gives me a hug, A seems to be close to tears, and CE is just being as patient as can be. I thank the station manager for his help and patience. The guy was very cool and understanding about the whole thing. I put the ring on my keychain (I'm pretty much sober at this point) and we restart our hike down the street. I get the ringy-ring from Mr. O and I tell him to let JW or JG know that one of them may have to leave to go back to the spot to let DD and A in. By now, the wind is picking up a bit and I decide that we're just going to cab it. So we grab a cab and proceed to pay $10 (that's with tip) for a ride down the street. It was a total ripoff, but I wasn't going to argue at this point. I just wanted to get back with the rest of the group, where I could have a beer and a seat. By the way, the whole cab ride, A is still repeating things. But this time, it's "you found it? where did you find it? are you sure you have it? I owe you my life!" I'm being very patient about the whole thing, as I'm more relieved than anything else that the ring has been found and the whole mini-nightmare is over.

We get inside, order some drinks, and the rest of the night is very low-key. The only other highlights are "the line" ("Wow. You just got a lot uglier.") and JG trying to get a girl (the person at whom the previous line was directed; and for the record, she's not ugly, IMO) to flash me. After last call, we slip out, but before we do, I give the ring to DD to hold, as he is now sober enough. We start to hoof it up King Street in the cold. JG, CE, DD, A and "the ugly girl" eventually part from Mr. O and me, as we're going to the Metro, where I will catch a train and Mr. O will get a cab. I catch a train as soon as I get up on the platform and ride without incident, waking up two stops before my destination. I was able to make the trek through the cold without public urination, even passing a thicky-thick hooker with a skirt that wasn't even attempting to cover her ass (which is pretty much standard in these parts) on the way. That would be the final image of the night. Apropos of nothing, of course, but I thought it was worth mentioning. Why? Because the big ass is where it's at.

Good night, Springton! There will be no encores!

Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em



This was found here, via Rock Critics Daily.

This should definitely be the halftime show at the Super Bowl next year. (Link found in this thread over at Bagatellen.)

Has anybody seen the Quizno's commercial featuring the Spongemonkeys? I heard the commercial before actually seeing it, so I was caught off guard. I chuckled, of course, but was still a bit shocked to see it. I guess after the internet-TV crossover of the Dancing Baby, all bets are off with this sort of thing.

The 100 Most Annoying Things of 2003. Yeah, most are obvious (and some are just kinda lame), but some of those capsules are hilarious. (Number 50, for example.)

And everybody in the fucking world is commenting on the halftime show of last night's FOOTBALL GAME, so I'm not going to really say much. Except this: IT WAS A TITTY! A GODDAMN TITTY! FUCK! Isn't it bad enough that the philistines are running things, do we now have to listen Tom "Giving Fat Guys a Bad Rap" Shales yammer on about the impact this exposed breast will have on the future of television? Fuck you, Tom Shales. And fuck me for commenting about this for more than two sentences. Dammit!

What's more annoying is that in a lot of ways, it's overshadowing a phenomenal football game. I mean, that was a 15-round classic, so good that it felt scripted. To use a bit of wrestling parlance: that was one excellently booked game. You had a bit of a feeling out process at the beginning, then a quick flurry of offense that got the crowd into it, then some hard hitting back and forth action in the third quarter, that led to a number of near-falls (lead changes), which really grabbed the crowd, coming down to the end where the favorite ekes out the win. And yet...it wasn't scripted at all. Amazing. It would be nearly impossible to write this game any better. And because of some slightly incestuous titty grab at halftime, only the sporting world is talking about it. This is a game that deserves better than that. Even as a hardcore Dolphin fan, I cannot deny the performance that New England put on, or the unfathomable way Justin Wilson was able to lead the Panthers back to the brink of victory. ("Aieeeeee!")

And congratulations to Adam Vinatieri, who will never be confused with Scott Norwood. John Kasay on the other hand...