Monday, September 22, 2003

So, as I said, I'm not going to make this blog a heap of psychotic drama again. At the same time, I can't NOT talk about the recent dissolution of my relationship with Melinda. Consequently...

According to her official statement, this is over because she's not as ready as she thought to be in a serious relationship. And this is true. Judging by her actions, she's definitely not ready. Unfortunately, that reason doesn't hold up because the last two months of our relationship have been anything BUT serious. Furthermore, I wasn't trying to pursue anything especially serious. Moot point, but it needs to be said.

She also said that it wasn't "fair" to me to keep the relationship going. True, it's not fair. But you know what else is not fair? Having it end and not sure why it had to end the way it did, despite reasons given. If I'm anything now (besides sad, which is a given at the end of any loving relationship), it's confused. More than anything, I'd like to talk face to face, get everything out in the open, and know definitively that the outcome at which we arrived was the correct one.

I'd like to clarify before I go further that I harbor absolutely no ill-will toward Melinda. Over the course of the last nine months, I have grown fonder and fonder of her every day, and one disappointing ending isn't going to wipe that away all at once. What I said before is still true: she is beautiful, selfless, kind, generous, and one of the most genuinely good people I've had the pleasure of meeting. And while that might sound like pedestal worship, it is absolutely not. I have nothing (okay, maybe not nothing) but good things to say about her.

That said, she is not without her flaws. And while it is a bit tempting to run those down now, I won't. I will say only this: that I wish she were less guarded with her thoughts and emotions, and that I wish she were more assertive/confrontational. If there is one thing that I find to be terribly depressing about the end of our relationship is that I think it could have been possibly prevented if she just once spoke her mind about what was bothering her (especially as it concerned me and our relationship and its alleged intensity), instead of letting things pile up until it came to a head and ultimately leading to our romantic demise. It's a sad irony that a woman who preached open communication could not walk the walk.

Anyway, it's over. Forever? Probably, but I can't say that with any authority. Will we maintain a friendly relationship? Again, probably, but at the moment, it's a tough task for sure. Despite my even keel here, I am very hurt. Hard not to be when you lose someone so close to your heart.