Well, it's been nearly two months. I really do wish I was a better blogger. This has gone from an occasionally lucid account of my life with a smattering of fun and/or relevant links to a wasteland of bitching and and psychotic rambling. This will be no different, I'm afraid.

My uncle passed away. Shortly before noon last Monday, his life was claimed by cancer. His funeral was this past Saturday. For reasons I can't fully comprehend, I did not attend. I wanted to...or thought I did. I don't know. It's that confusing. I tried to go, but missed my bus. I could have taken another bus, but I didn't. And I have been beating myself up for it ever since. Even with reassurances from my mother (it was her brother), and two of my cousins (one of which is his daughter) that it was okay if I couldn't make it, I still don't feel right for missing it. So I spent the entire day inside my apartment, being absolutely useless. Even though the weather was beautiful, and I had a couple of calls from friends (that went unanswered), I could not bring myself to venture outside or enjoy the weekend at all when I feel like I should have been with my family.

And yet, I wasn't, and I can't really explain why I chose not to...as I guess I stated before. Sorry; repetition is nearly unavoidable when you're writing off the cuff at one in the morning. I'd be trying to sleep, but I've been going to bed at 4am the last two nights and am not really tired. (Don't worry--in case anybody is reading this and is suddenly overcome with that emotion--I'll be going to bed as soon as I'm done typing this post.) Anyway...as I said, I did nothing but be a huge slug inside It was a totally numbing experience, terribly devoid of anything remotely resemebling emotions. Games, sleep, the occasional foray into the galaxy of television. There was some eating and waste elimination involved, too. And let's not forget the usual onanistic forays, more frequent for some reason. (Perhaps that was because of the otherwise emotionless weekend.) It's not the first weekend I've had like this, but it's the first time I thought it was necessary. Not as some sort of penance...but...I don't know why, actually. Perhaps to withdraw into myself to find the answer to the questions that have been bothering me about this whole funeral situation. That's purely speculative, mind you. I just can't explain it.

Beyond that, I couldn't even begin to tell you about the previous two months. Melinda has finally met my friends (all of them except for Ali, my best friend). My friend Mark was made an Elder of the United Methodist Church. I saw my friend Karin for the first time in ages when she visited our friends Kim and Chris (whom I also hadn't seen in over a year) over 4th of July weekend. And two of my co-workers left the Hilton. Turnover is no big deal, but when it's two people who I really liked and helped make that place tolerable, well it just kicks me in the ass. Naturally, I'm now looking for a job as well. Ideally, I would find one for myself and my friend, Marlon, too, so we could both bail at the same time. That office, needless to say, would crumble. And no, I'm not over-estimating my worth. It would crumble mostly because Marlon does so much, not to mention the fact that my boss has become quiet reliant on me. While I don't really wish much in the way of ill-will towards my current employers, I do believe a message needs to be sent about the rapidly declining morale. My hope is that if we leave, the place will fall apart and there will be an open revolt. Okay, I might be overstating things, but I'd like our departures (soon, I hope) to lead to some positive changes.

What else...what else? I don't know. It's 1:30, which means I'll be running on less than 6 hours of sleep tomorrow, so I should wrap this shit up. In a weird way, I'll be looking forward to going to work tomorrow, so I can have a bit of human interaction.

So, I bid you goodnight. And Uncle John, I'm sorry I couldn't be there to send you off. But I'm glad you were a part of my life. I wish you could have been around longer, but I know you lived a pretty full life. I hope your last days were relatively pain-free. I'll never forget you. God bless.